even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
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