Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
