you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
