i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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