so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
