I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Randomize
