Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
