another moral hangover. fuck.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
