I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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