someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize