You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
