He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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