Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
