He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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