He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize