Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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