How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
