getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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