Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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