it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
