Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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