I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize