Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
no, he came in my armpit
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
