I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
