The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
