How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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