So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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