Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
