i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
