My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
