grandma shit on top of the toilet
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
