I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
