He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
