Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize