im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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