Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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