i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
