Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
