I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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