I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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