All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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