My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
