nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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