So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
no you cant smoke seaweed
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
