It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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