i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
