My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize