I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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