my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
