dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
