i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
