The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
