Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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