non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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