I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
