Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
