i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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