I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
