What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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