youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
