The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
