Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
