no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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