you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
