some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
